It's been a while since we've posted. We've been busy, plus it's really hard to get really drunk all the time and watch shitty movies. I'm currently not drunk, nor watching a movie, but I am going to give descriptions of several movies that you absolutely need to see.

Single White Female: A groundbreaking avant garde film directed by Jim Jarmusch. It is simply a two hour film of Jennifer Jason Leigh crying, and eating a tub of ice cream in her sunday sweats. Heartbreaking.

The Neverending Story: One of the greatest dramas ever made. It depicts a recently divorced woman, who refuses to show weakness, while yapping away to her friends about how her ex husband was such a "sonofabitch", and how she's strong and will move on. A great film, but bring some cocaine or meth amphetamines with you, because it is a 4 and a half hour film of  empowerment of the womans spirit.

555: A very obscure drama about a young retarded boy who tries ordering a pizza, but can only dial 555 on his telephone. Will he get that pizza delivered? Watch and see.

Black Christmas: A raucous comedy from Tyler Perry, showing all you white folks how black people celebrate Christmas....WITH HILARIOUS CONSEQUENCES!

Quarantine: A scathing documentary on the city of Detroit, and peoples thoughts on whether or not it should be a city quarantined from the rest of the world.

Blood Diner: A horror-comedy about vampires who feast upon womens mensturation.

The Lost Boys: This is a poignant and often hilarious documentary on three gay lovers searching for long lost bathouses across America.

Moneyball: Some consider this the "Showgirls" of males. It stars Brad Pitt as an aging male stripper who needs to come up with a sexy gimmick to keep his loins on stage at the male strip joint named "The Moneyball".

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me: Mary Kate, and Ashley Olsen's first (and hopefully not last), XXX rated feature film.

The Hangover: A disturbing, and tear jerking documentary on Mickey Redmonds mornings.

Bowling for Columbine: An uplifting documentary on high school students in the city of Columbine, bowling to raise money to donate to the NRA to keep guns in hardworking, white Americans hands. Dedicated to Charlton Heston. An absolute must see.

The Odd Couple: A 30 minute documentary examining the breasts of Tara Reid.

Grumpy Old Men: A hilarious, yet disturbing drama by the Coen Brothers about Cardinals of the Catholic church, trying to save face after being accused of molesting half the population of young boys in the town of Bangor Maine.

O Brother Where Art Thou: A high octane action film about the Black Panther party, that takes place in 1970; but is spoken in the form of Shakespeare. Kinda like that Romeo n Juliet pile of shit, starring those two people.

City Slickers: A terrifying, and very realistic account of when the Italian population uses their natural bodily grease to take over the city of Hoboken.

Schindlers List: A steamy sexcapade of a man named Chet Schindler, and the list of all the women he's slept with, and will sleep with. Makes Basic Instinct look like a Disney film.

The Watermelon Man: Use your imagination.

Coming to America: A look at the events and aftermath of 9/11.

I'm bored and I just wanna eat my chicken cordon bleu. Go do something, fucker.

Mobile-Reviewing The Gray

Scott and I are sitting at Ye Olde enjoying a burger and some ESPN sport highlights and listening to the bartender planning on how she will be balancing beers upon her pregnant belly. We just saw a very exciting trailer sans any enhancing sound effects (closed captioned) for a movie called The Gray.


Scott: Fuck Liam Neeson and his dead wife. Ever since a tree wrecked her shit, critics have been swinging from his nuts. Just from the trailer, this movie should drop the "r" from "the grey"....if you catch my drift.

Sarah: Oh, the lady drinking wine alone at the bar at 3 pm just put the Smiths on. Shocking. Anyway, Liam appears to be just hanging out in some snowdrifts with his angry face on. Is this the Shining? There's so many bold red letters!

Scott: Mike Ditka is speaking on ESPN. I no longer care about anything, but his mustache and haircut.

Sarah: I don't even remember this trailer anymore. This burger is staring me down and I'm trying to iron out my laser tag strategy.

Class of 1984: a story about inner city white kids trying to play pianos and overcome adversity. Michael j. Foxs first role.....review coming soon.

Scotts Review of Titles of Movies That Have Nothing to do With said moooovies

I'M FUCKING DRUNK AS SHIT RIGHT NOW!!!!!

HURT LOCKER: It's a story about some guy in the military. He has a locker. He hurt its feelings. Two hours of discussing differences between him and his locker. Very touching. A few dirty socks co stars.

LORENZOS OIL: A heartwrenching story about a boy who wants to just be a boy and play with legos and swing on swings, but he has the uncanny ability to produce crude oil. Iraq kidnaps him, and USA goes to war to save him, but in actuality, they only have his oil in mind. His parents are his only hope for him to gently cuddle with them in bed, while a hot wheels is stuck up his dads ass.

Troll 2: The true story of Mitt Romney and his rise to power.

Black Dynamite: The true story of Barack Obama and his rise to power.

Control: This is about the legendary lead singer of Joy Division, Ian Curtis, and is lack of control from committing suicide.

Titanic: Vaginas hop aboard a massive steel cock.

Searching for Bobby Fischer: A story about a boy chess prodigy who wants to find Bobby Fischer and learn how to overthrow the American government. A great movie if you're into White Supremacy.

Triumph of the Will: A documentary on how William H. Macy overcame his gnome-like looks to become a Hollywood sensation.

Jesus Camp: A PBS special where Jesus Christ, your lord and saviour takes a bunch of gap toothed kids in the woods and shows them how to build a camp fire, pop a tent, hunt elk, fix the broken leg on a chair, and last but not least; how to hang out on a crucifix.

Serial Mom: A hilarious romp about a mother who can't stop writing letters to General Mills, with complaints about how their cereals brutally scrapes the roofs of her childrens mouths.

The Omen:  The happy go lucky story about a man and a wife, who adopt a child who brings them good luck, with hilarious consequences.

The Octogon: A legendary Kung Fu film, starring Paul Rudds genitals.

Silent Rage: A movie starring Chuck Norris featuring the problems he endures from suffering agonizing pain brought on by irritable bowel syndrome.

Roadhouse: Your bible. Watch it. Love it. Live it.

Scott Reviews SPAM (the "food")

So I can't watch movies and get drunk everyday. So sometimes I need to vent or praise other things that happens in my life, with or without the help of my beautiful significant other. She's at work right now, and I'm sipping on a beer while my meatballs cook. They smell amazing, and it got me to thinking about the big mistake I made last night.

Yesterday I didn't get much sleep, so when I went to work, I was already pretty groggy and grouchy. I didn't eat much at all, so by the time I got home to unwind with a couple of 40's, I was famished. Sarah was sleepy, and I wanted to drink both of my big ass beers, so I talked about how I could really go for the Spam that we had purchased from the grocery store. This woke her up, and we decided to cook Spam and eggs somewhere around midnight.

Like a chick who's about to be disappointed when unzipping a new lovers trousers, I hungrily unpeeled the tin away from the Spam, like the fat fuck I am. I dumped it out on to the counter, it made a type of suctioning sound, with a "plop". Eminating off the piece of dead unicorn, I could smell the eventual pain awaiting me, creeping off of this wonderous mystery meat. Sarah was scrambling the shit out of some eggs, while I took the Spam over to the couch where my roomate and his girlfriend were sitting. I shoved it in their faces and said "Smell that shit." Jill sniffed it, Hong looked like he may puke. I took it to the butcher block (my shitty cutting board), and cut us each up four slices of Spam. I read the instructions and it said "Cook until golden brown." GOLDEN BROWN!?!?!?!?! IT'S FUCKING MEAT!!!! MEAT SHOULD NOT BE GOLDEN BROWN, UNLESS THAT MEAT IS A FRENCH FRY (Freedom Fry to all of you gung ho Americans).

I cooked it until it wasn't squishy. It sure as fuck wasn't golden brown. I'd eaten this delicacy before, so it's flavor was of no surprise to me. It's basically a salt lick, in chewy meat form. I am a man who likes salt, so this is fine with me. But the eggs and Spam seemed to be missing something...Sriracha. So I doused that shit with Sriracha. I'm surprised the Sriracha isn't as high in sodiam as I had guessed. Anyway, we finished our white trash feast, and I was so full I couldn't finish my beer.

I woke up with a hot air balloon in my stomach. Since I'm not a disgusting pig, I don't fart around Sarah. So I got up and hit the bathroom. What erupted was what I'd assume the Atom Bomb sounded like when dropped on Nagasaki. The fart exploded and echoed inside the toilet bowl, which used it's acoustics to work as a ceramic speaker. What followed was an avalanche of brown steamy.........use whatever word(s) you'd like (yes, this is an interactive blog).

After that initial expulsion of waste, I took Thurston to school, came home and dozed off. Sarah's stupid goddamn phone kept ringing and getting texts, I really didn't get much sleep; but I suppose that was for the better, for my underwears sake. I got up while she was doing what girls do in the morning to get ready, and again, I made that toilet pay for the sins I had committed the previous night.

Okay, so my body was cleansed. Or was it? I went to H&R Block to get PAID!!!! While I was sitting in the lobby waiting for someone to do work for me, I thought I was going to shit myself, with semi digested spam, covered in brown drooling itself down my leg, and out of my pants. I tightened the butthole up, took a breath, and made my intestines choke on it. After this I went grocery shopping, and when I got home, I believe I got the rest of it out.

So this is what I have to say about Spam and eggs. Really fucking delicious. Especially if you like rubbery meat, that may or may not be from a mystical animal that we believe are just products of fairy tales. Eggs are obviously good. Both covered in Sriracha, may be one of the saltiest, sexiest things to eat. If you love your lover, you will convince him or her to let you slap cooked Spam all over their nude body, ejaculate Sriracha all over it, and slowly eat it and lick it off. But beware, you may have to do this on a wild n crazy friday night, so you can spend the next day on your ceramic confessional booth.

SHOWGIRLS!!!!!!

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Scott Reviews "Europe-Rock The Night"

First off, let me get something off of my chest; oh wait, that's semen, not what I want to say. Hold on, I gotta go grab some paper towel.....(time lapse of roughly 40 seconds), okay, I'm back. Well, let me get something off of my mind. I feel like I'm cheating, because I have no booze, and Sarah isn't helping me write this; but that's her problem because she fell asleep watching Omen 2 (a great film, but also great to fall asleep to. Trust me, I did it twice today, and slept until 2pm). Wait a minute, I'm gonna steal some of my roomates cheap whiskey......(time lapse of roughly 1 minute, 23 seconds). Okay, so now I have a Rich n' Rare mixed with cola. 3 parts R&R, 1 part cola, not enough to get me drunk, and have this review live up to its full potential, but It'll help me not want to die because of listening to Europe. So here we go, I'm posting a link to it on here so you can first watch it, then read my commentary. This is for my friend Tim Lovelady. Thanks for the suggestion.....or should I say, "Fuck you for the suggestion". Anyway, the Marlboro is lit, and the whiskey burns.......


Scott: Jesus fucking Christ, I hate this commercial bullshit before I watch something stupid on youtube. I don't know what commercial you were graced with, but I got one for Oakland University. Spirited, Fun, Lively....just some of the words used to describe this school. It makes me wanna buy a bop it or a skip it, and just get fucking WACKY!!!!! If I want to learn shit, I'll just do what everyone else does: read something for five minutes off of Wikipedia or Google search. Or I could really bust my ass learning things, by reading a two paragraph article, and steal what the writer said, so it looks like I know things (don't lie, I know you do that).

It starts off with a lovely shot of some amazing L.A. Looks styled hair, as some rock god is sipping on a cola. First off, I want to say he's a fucking pussy. If you're in a rock band, you should only drink whiskey. That's a scientific fact, stated by Stephen Hawkings fucking talk box, when it took a break digitally mumbling shit about black holes (can I please watch the Black Hole Sun video?). Some shitcock said "Man, I'm hungry." Well, I'm not surprised. Europe is a pussy rock band, who doesn't vacuum up mountains of blow, while getting their balls licked by 5 groupies at one time. No no no, they drink cola, play Scrabble (that's actually pretty awesome), and hang out at Denny's.

It seems on this particular night, they had a successful gig at a local VFW hall, and actually got paid. So they're going to splurge and hit up the Hard Rock Cafe, instead of their regualr destination of Denny's or Waffle House. They seem to be pleased that they are on the TV at the Hard Rock, so pleased that the singer shouts "OOOOOHHHH". They're so hopped up on Mountain Dew and Funyuns, that they're finding it extremely difficult to handle a menu. I mean, c'mon. Holding a menu still and reading it is hard fucking work. I remember when my son thurston was like 7 months old, he had a hard time holding it, but I'll tell you something....he didn't fuck around. He went straight to the wine selection, binkie in mouth! These cockbags are in their 50's, and well.....okay, senility is setting in. Maybe that explains why the asshole is using a Heinze Ketchup bottle as a microphone; although I have to admit, he's getting a good sound from it.

Who needs a drum set anyway? I'm always playing the drums on a formica table with a fork and a knife, sounding like Mitch Mitchell. So, I need to ask a question. Is it just me, or do 80's metal haircuts only have two styles: Tuna Salad, and Ramen Noodles? Seriously, look at these fuckers. It looks like Aunt Mable slapped some week old tuna salad on one of the dudes heads, and the others all look like they have crusted ramen noodles dangling from their skulls. It's fucking sexy, and if I were Sarah, I'd be watching this with my vagina drooling with sexual anticipation.

When their heads met in the center of the table, fingers pointing at menu, and them all singing "what do you want?", I assume they all agreed on the "rockin' sampler", which includes, cheese stix, jalapeno popperz, x-treme wings, potato skins, with their choice of sauce (which they agreed would be the cooks ass sweat). All the white yuppies are up rockin' the night, while these dudes wait for their sampler. If the fire marshal showed up, all hell would break loose. Oh I see, now the ketchup bottle isn't good enough. He had to order up a microphone as the appetizer. This video makes SO MUCH SENSE!!!!

Now they're just pulling guitars off the wall of the Hard Rock Cafe!?!?!?! If I did that, I'd get booted out, even before my Rockin' Sampler arrived. So this is what I'm going to do: I'm going to convince Sarah to dress with me like Europe, we will go to the Hard Rock in Detroit. She'll start playing the drums with the empty beer bottles that we have sitting at our table; one for each finger, I'll start singing into a tabasco bottle, because ketchup is for pussies who can't handle flavor. I know everyone will start rocking the night with us, so when that happens, I'll just pull down Keith Richards guitar, and start shredding on it. If the manager gives me shit, I'll piss on his leg, and tell him it's in my Constitutional Rights TO ROCK!!!!! Then I'll reference this video, and tell him something stupid like "The proof's in the pudding, baby."

*sidenote: To any woman who is reading this, and was offended that I assume the manager is a guy and not a lady, can fuck right off. It's a fact that men always run these types of places, because it's their job to try and get blowjobs from the waitresses. If the waitress declines this amazing offer, she will either be demoted, get stuck with shitty sections, or have her hours cut drastically. This is also a scientific fact that was written in "Mens Health Magazine" back in 1992 (October issue, check it out).

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!! THERE WAS A STAGE IN THIS RESTAURANT THE WHOLE TIME???? AND THESE COCK JUGGLERS WERE WASTING TIME AT A TABLE, SINGING INTO KETCHUP BOTTLES!?!?!?!? FUCKING IDIOTS!!!! Shit maybe they got into Big Russ's cough medicine at the VFW hall afterall.

Wow, this video has just BLOWN MY MIND!!!! It was a prophecy that they would rock the night at that particular Hard Rock Cafe, by the Mayans. Seriously, the "club" that they were playing at that was on the television was actually the Hard Rock Cafe........THAT'S SOME TWILIGHT ZONE SHIT RIGHT THERE, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!! M. Night Shymalamadingdong would have never thought of that...Mr. "Surprise Ending" guy!!!!

Europe must be racist. I haven't seen one Brother in this music video. Shit, this crowd is more vanilla than Newt Gingrich.

At the 4:22 mark, the singer stagedives.....butt first into the crowd, like he's about to plop into his dads recliner? What the fuck? I hope to god nobody caught him, and he shattered his tailbone.

This video and song have caused both physical, and psychological damage. Tim owes me a bag of Munchos, and a gallon of Gin.

 

Make a Goddamn Suggestion

Are there any movies out there that you hate? Are there any movies out there that you kind of want to see, but feel like they may be piles of shit, and you don't want to waste your time if you happen to be correct? Well listen up, we will do it for you. Make a suggestion of any movie that you would like us to review either for criticisms on them, or possibly something you've seen that you'd like to see torn to shreds. Help us help you hate things. It's one talent we possess (the other is gambling on how long it will take cats to get tape off their paws).

So stop being a shitdick, and give us suggestions. It doesn't have to be a movie, it could also be a music video, or a T.V. show.

In the meantime, we will be stocking up on liquor, and brainstorming ideas for our next kick ass review. Fuck you Roger Ebert, we're the real deal.