First off, let me get something off of my chest; oh wait, that's semen, not what I want to say. Hold on, I gotta go grab some paper towel.....(time lapse of roughly 40 seconds), okay, I'm back. Well, let me get something off of my mind. I feel like I'm cheating, because I have no booze, and Sarah isn't helping me write this; but that's her problem because she fell asleep watching Omen 2 (a great film, but also great to fall asleep to. Trust me, I did it twice today, and slept until 2pm). Wait a minute, I'm gonna steal some of my roomates cheap whiskey......(time lapse of roughly 1 minute, 23 seconds). Okay, so now I have a Rich n' Rare mixed with cola. 3 parts R&R, 1 part cola, not enough to get me drunk, and have this review live up to its full potential, but It'll help me not want to die because of listening to Europe. So here we go, I'm posting a link to it on here so you can first watch it, then read my commentary. This is for my friend Tim Lovelady. Thanks for the suggestion.....or should I say, "Fuck you for the suggestion". Anyway, the Marlboro is lit, and the whiskey burns.......
Scott: Jesus fucking Christ, I hate this commercial bullshit before I watch something stupid on youtube. I don't know what commercial you were graced with, but I got one for Oakland University. Spirited, Fun, Lively....just some of the words used to describe this school. It makes me wanna buy a bop it or a skip it, and just get fucking WACKY!!!!! If I want to learn shit, I'll just do what everyone else does: read something for five minutes off of Wikipedia or Google search. Or I could really bust my ass learning things, by reading a two paragraph article, and steal what the writer said, so it looks like I know things (don't lie, I know you do that).
It starts off with a lovely shot of some amazing L.A. Looks styled hair, as some rock god is sipping on a cola. First off, I want to say he's a fucking pussy. If you're in a rock band, you should only drink whiskey. That's a scientific fact, stated by Stephen Hawkings fucking talk box, when it took a break digitally mumbling shit about black holes (can I please watch the Black Hole Sun video?). Some shitcock said "Man, I'm hungry." Well, I'm not surprised. Europe is a pussy rock band, who doesn't vacuum up mountains of blow, while getting their balls licked by 5 groupies at one time. No no no, they drink cola, play Scrabble (that's actually pretty awesome), and hang out at Denny's.
It seems on this particular night, they had a successful gig at a local VFW hall, and actually got paid. So they're going to splurge and hit up the Hard Rock Cafe, instead of their regualr destination of Denny's or Waffle House. They seem to be pleased that they are on the TV at the Hard Rock, so pleased that the singer shouts "OOOOOHHHH". They're so hopped up on Mountain Dew and Funyuns, that they're finding it extremely difficult to handle a menu. I mean, c'mon. Holding a menu still and reading it is hard fucking work. I remember when my son thurston was like 7 months old, he had a hard time holding it, but I'll tell you something....he didn't fuck around. He went straight to the wine selection, binkie in mouth! These cockbags are in their 50's, and well.....okay, senility is setting in. Maybe that explains why the asshole is using a Heinze Ketchup bottle as a microphone; although I have to admit, he's getting a good sound from it.
Who needs a drum set anyway? I'm always playing the drums on a formica table with a fork and a knife, sounding like Mitch Mitchell. So, I need to ask a question. Is it just me, or do 80's metal haircuts only have two styles: Tuna Salad, and Ramen Noodles? Seriously, look at these fuckers. It looks like Aunt Mable slapped some week old tuna salad on one of the dudes heads, and the others all look like they have crusted ramen noodles dangling from their skulls. It's fucking sexy, and if I were Sarah, I'd be watching this with my vagina drooling with sexual anticipation.
When their heads met in the center of the table, fingers pointing at menu, and them all singing "what do you want?", I assume they all agreed on the "rockin' sampler", which includes, cheese stix, jalapeno popperz, x-treme wings, potato skins, with their choice of sauce (which they agreed would be the cooks ass sweat). All the white yuppies are up rockin' the night, while these dudes wait for their sampler. If the fire marshal showed up, all hell would break loose. Oh I see, now the ketchup bottle isn't good enough. He had to order up a microphone as the appetizer. This video makes SO MUCH SENSE!!!!
Now they're just pulling guitars off the wall of the Hard Rock Cafe!?!?!?! If I did that, I'd get booted out, even before my Rockin' Sampler arrived. So this is what I'm going to do: I'm going to convince Sarah to dress with me like Europe, we will go to the Hard Rock in Detroit. She'll start playing the drums with the empty beer bottles that we have sitting at our table; one for each finger, I'll start singing into a tabasco bottle, because ketchup is for pussies who can't handle flavor. I know everyone will start rocking the night with us, so when that happens, I'll just pull down Keith Richards guitar, and start shredding on it. If the manager gives me shit, I'll piss on his leg, and tell him it's in my Constitutional Rights TO ROCK!!!!! Then I'll reference this video, and tell him something stupid like "The proof's in the pudding, baby."
*sidenote: To any woman who is reading this, and was offended that I assume the manager is a guy and not a lady, can fuck right off. It's a fact that men always run these types of places, because it's their job to try and get blowjobs from the waitresses. If the waitress declines this amazing offer, she will either be demoted, get stuck with shitty sections, or have her hours cut drastically. This is also a scientific fact that was written in "Mens Health Magazine" back in 1992 (October issue, check it out).
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!! THERE WAS A STAGE IN THIS RESTAURANT THE WHOLE TIME???? AND THESE COCK JUGGLERS WERE WASTING TIME AT A TABLE, SINGING INTO KETCHUP BOTTLES!?!?!?!? FUCKING IDIOTS!!!! Shit maybe they got into Big Russ's cough medicine at the VFW hall afterall.
Wow, this video has just BLOWN MY MIND!!!! It was a prophecy that they would rock the night at that particular Hard Rock Cafe, by the Mayans. Seriously, the "club" that they were playing at that was on the television was actually the Hard Rock Cafe........THAT'S SOME TWILIGHT ZONE SHIT RIGHT THERE, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!! M. Night Shymalamadingdong would have never thought of that...Mr. "Surprise Ending" guy!!!!
Europe must be racist. I haven't seen one Brother in this music video. Shit, this crowd is more vanilla than Newt Gingrich.
At the 4:22 mark, the singer stagedives.....butt first into the crowd, like he's about to plop into his dads recliner? What the fuck? I hope to god nobody caught him, and he shattered his tailbone.
This video and song have caused both physical, and psychological damage. Tim owes me a bag of Munchos, and a gallon of Gin.
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