It's been a while since we've posted. We've been busy, plus it's really hard to get really drunk all the time and watch shitty movies. I'm currently not drunk, nor watching a movie, but I am going to give descriptions of several movies that you absolutely need to see.

Single White Female: A groundbreaking avant garde film directed by Jim Jarmusch. It is simply a two hour film of Jennifer Jason Leigh crying, and eating a tub of ice cream in her sunday sweats. Heartbreaking.

The Neverending Story: One of the greatest dramas ever made. It depicts a recently divorced woman, who refuses to show weakness, while yapping away to her friends about how her ex husband was such a "sonofabitch", and how she's strong and will move on. A great film, but bring some cocaine or meth amphetamines with you, because it is a 4 and a half hour film of  empowerment of the womans spirit.

555: A very obscure drama about a young retarded boy who tries ordering a pizza, but can only dial 555 on his telephone. Will he get that pizza delivered? Watch and see.

Black Christmas: A raucous comedy from Tyler Perry, showing all you white folks how black people celebrate Christmas....WITH HILARIOUS CONSEQUENCES!

Quarantine: A scathing documentary on the city of Detroit, and peoples thoughts on whether or not it should be a city quarantined from the rest of the world.

Blood Diner: A horror-comedy about vampires who feast upon womens mensturation.

The Lost Boys: This is a poignant and often hilarious documentary on three gay lovers searching for long lost bathouses across America.

Moneyball: Some consider this the "Showgirls" of males. It stars Brad Pitt as an aging male stripper who needs to come up with a sexy gimmick to keep his loins on stage at the male strip joint named "The Moneyball".

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me: Mary Kate, and Ashley Olsen's first (and hopefully not last), XXX rated feature film.

The Hangover: A disturbing, and tear jerking documentary on Mickey Redmonds mornings.

Bowling for Columbine: An uplifting documentary on high school students in the city of Columbine, bowling to raise money to donate to the NRA to keep guns in hardworking, white Americans hands. Dedicated to Charlton Heston. An absolute must see.

The Odd Couple: A 30 minute documentary examining the breasts of Tara Reid.

Grumpy Old Men: A hilarious, yet disturbing drama by the Coen Brothers about Cardinals of the Catholic church, trying to save face after being accused of molesting half the population of young boys in the town of Bangor Maine.

O Brother Where Art Thou: A high octane action film about the Black Panther party, that takes place in 1970; but is spoken in the form of Shakespeare. Kinda like that Romeo n Juliet pile of shit, starring those two people.

City Slickers: A terrifying, and very realistic account of when the Italian population uses their natural bodily grease to take over the city of Hoboken.

Schindlers List: A steamy sexcapade of a man named Chet Schindler, and the list of all the women he's slept with, and will sleep with. Makes Basic Instinct look like a Disney film.

The Watermelon Man: Use your imagination.

Coming to America: A look at the events and aftermath of 9/11.

I'm bored and I just wanna eat my chicken cordon bleu. Go do something, fucker.

Mobile-Reviewing The Gray

Scott and I are sitting at Ye Olde enjoying a burger and some ESPN sport highlights and listening to the bartender planning on how she will be balancing beers upon her pregnant belly. We just saw a very exciting trailer sans any enhancing sound effects (closed captioned) for a movie called The Gray.


Scott: Fuck Liam Neeson and his dead wife. Ever since a tree wrecked her shit, critics have been swinging from his nuts. Just from the trailer, this movie should drop the "r" from "the grey"....if you catch my drift.

Sarah: Oh, the lady drinking wine alone at the bar at 3 pm just put the Smiths on. Shocking. Anyway, Liam appears to be just hanging out in some snowdrifts with his angry face on. Is this the Shining? There's so many bold red letters!

Scott: Mike Ditka is speaking on ESPN. I no longer care about anything, but his mustache and haircut.

Sarah: I don't even remember this trailer anymore. This burger is staring me down and I'm trying to iron out my laser tag strategy.

Class of 1984: a story about inner city white kids trying to play pianos and overcome adversity. Michael j. Foxs first role.....review coming soon.

Scotts Review of Titles of Movies That Have Nothing to do With said moooovies

I'M FUCKING DRUNK AS SHIT RIGHT NOW!!!!!

HURT LOCKER: It's a story about some guy in the military. He has a locker. He hurt its feelings. Two hours of discussing differences between him and his locker. Very touching. A few dirty socks co stars.

LORENZOS OIL: A heartwrenching story about a boy who wants to just be a boy and play with legos and swing on swings, but he has the uncanny ability to produce crude oil. Iraq kidnaps him, and USA goes to war to save him, but in actuality, they only have his oil in mind. His parents are his only hope for him to gently cuddle with them in bed, while a hot wheels is stuck up his dads ass.

Troll 2: The true story of Mitt Romney and his rise to power.

Black Dynamite: The true story of Barack Obama and his rise to power.

Control: This is about the legendary lead singer of Joy Division, Ian Curtis, and is lack of control from committing suicide.

Titanic: Vaginas hop aboard a massive steel cock.

Searching for Bobby Fischer: A story about a boy chess prodigy who wants to find Bobby Fischer and learn how to overthrow the American government. A great movie if you're into White Supremacy.

Triumph of the Will: A documentary on how William H. Macy overcame his gnome-like looks to become a Hollywood sensation.

Jesus Camp: A PBS special where Jesus Christ, your lord and saviour takes a bunch of gap toothed kids in the woods and shows them how to build a camp fire, pop a tent, hunt elk, fix the broken leg on a chair, and last but not least; how to hang out on a crucifix.

Serial Mom: A hilarious romp about a mother who can't stop writing letters to General Mills, with complaints about how their cereals brutally scrapes the roofs of her childrens mouths.

The Omen:  The happy go lucky story about a man and a wife, who adopt a child who brings them good luck, with hilarious consequences.

The Octogon: A legendary Kung Fu film, starring Paul Rudds genitals.

Silent Rage: A movie starring Chuck Norris featuring the problems he endures from suffering agonizing pain brought on by irritable bowel syndrome.

Roadhouse: Your bible. Watch it. Love it. Live it.