Twilight: Breaking Dawn

This is the first review we ever did. Credit to our sweet darling Natasha for the idea. Or blame her for this shit, who cares? 

Whenever I wake up like this, its because I've tried to kill my beau in my sleep.

Preface: First off, let me say that Sarah and I are good friends to a particular adorable goth girl, who refuses to be called an adorable goth girl. She requested that I (Scott) go watch Twatlight: Breaking Ass, as a birthday present, and to write a review. So as you know, I'm an asshole. But I can also be the nicest person you've ever known. In this case, I'm the nicest person she's ever known, being an asshole with my super nice asshole girlfriend. This is our review of Twatlight: Breaking Ass (Otherwise known as Twilight: Breaking Dawn).

Before the movie, I began drinking a 40 ounce bottle of Pabst Blue Ribbon, to lube me up for what lies ahead. I share it with Sarah, because I'm a nice fucking guy. I shave n shit, cuz I wanna look dapper when we go out on the town. Which we did.

So.....our pre-drinking leads to some missed previews of movies (my favorite part of movies, cuz I wanna get the jump on nerds). So we arrive late. Whatever. We miss most of the previews and catch the last one. It was some fucking Snow White movie something or other that I didn't catch the title of, because I was too busy making out, drinking whiskey, and eating popcorn. But like, the chick from Twatlight was in it. You know..."Fartface". Yeah. So I already assume the movie is going to suck many of cocks, so I drown myself in Seagrams 7 Whiskey.

 

Cashier Experience (Sarah's point of view): So, Scott is a drunken liar, and trust me, I know a lot about lying, and drinking. In fact, I'm pretty drunk right now. He is so full of shit about when we started drinking. He tried to leave me at a gas station to go eat motherfucking carne asada in motherfucking Mexicantown. ANYWAY.

Norton antivirus is also full of shit. He doesn't watch porn on the internet. I found it all in his closet. His taste? Questionable. Apparently he likes redheads. To each their own...at least those porn gals don't have souls, right? Cool. What is Sunshine Highway? Is it the sexy version of Crossroads?

So, we went to acquire tickets. I have a very sweet client, who tips me in movies passes, so I may have the ability to see some wonderful new releases in the comfortable chairs of the Emagine Royal Oak theater. I think I've been there once sober. I'm sure it was nice, maybe I went on a date with a nice boy. I don't like to go on sober dates with nice boys, so we'll block that out of memory.

So we drunkenly get some movie tickets to see what is bound to be a wholesome movie (this is written by a Mormon, after all.) and after an awkward encounter with giggly bathroom girls, we get a seat in the very back row of the theater. This is good, since we will be interrupting at least one persons wonderful Tuesday night (Tuesday night? You fucking asshole.) viewing time.

So I guess there's some fucking Snow White moving coming out, Fart Face's fucking inexpressive face seems to be starring in it, being apathetic about the state of probably some country. War scenes. Maybe some dwarves die. What a slut, right? I hate this girl, I want to give her a really good excuse to go to the goddamn dentist.

Okay, so I guess I'm supposed to be writing about the movie? Fartface (seriously?) is totally in love and smiling about her pubescent fiance. She's doing things that all 18 year olds that are actually 25 year old are thinking about, which is dreaming about the really expensive wedding their inexplicably wealthy parents are paying for. Then someone's wheelchair-bound dad is getting reaaaaaaally mad about his son turning into a wolf.

 

QUALITY PORN!!!

Intermission: Hi, I'm the Ultimate Warrior. I'm painted on fucking velvet. I watch shit go down. Scott pounded the 40 hard, and hey...the only porn her jerks off to is "Me So Asian". The redhead movie he got was a gift from Tom Nowak for Scotts son Thurston, which he never got to see because Scott is a shitty/good parent. Make your own decision.

The other film that bitch ho spoke of has a squirter in it. And bitches who squirt is a beautiful thing. Anyway, my muscles hurt from flexing, so I'm going to let Scott get back to the story, not hearsay on his fantasic porn collection.

Scott: So I entered the theater with anticipation for a good vampire movie that I could laugh at. The rumors are true! I did in fact watch the first Twilight film, out of drunken curiosity. Here I am now, 10 films later watching another. Well here we go, motherfucker: It starts off with two people in the theater. One black dude, one white chick. Hand in hand. Obviously band nerds.

  Fucking 5 minutes within the movie, fucking Scrambled Eggs Abs guy (the wolf dude) shows up, with no shirt on, with his crippled dad Tanto following him in a wheelchair. How did that fucking Indian get crippled anyway? Was he high on peyote and tumble down the grand canyon? Fucking moron!

So like, Sarah added some notes to our observations, and I can't read them because it looks like a drunk retard who's been making crystal meth has been scribbling dicks all over a sketchbook wrote them. So we'll skip her "free spirit rant".

Fucking Fart Face girl (the main character girl) had a dream about a wedding and shit. It was raining rose petals. Is that romantic, or an innuendo of the impending busting of the hymen? Well let me answer that for you, since that's apparently my fucking job.

We open the whiskey and start pounding it hard. Like....REAL HARD. BECAUSE THIS MOVIE IS SHIT. This fucking movie is reminding me of a shitty episode of 16 & Preggers on MTV! So like, Fart Face is dreaming of marrying Harry Connick JR, and like he's all sparkly and vampirific n shit. But like, in her dream, she sees that he likes drinking blood cuz his groomsmen are these gay vampire guys looking all evil, if being evil is being a pussy who looks like they like Creed. So like, she turns around n shit, and there's all these pussy looking corpses, as Harry has a dribblet of blood dribbling from his cocksucking mouth, as he grins all coy.

Fuck that dude. Even Lestat would kick his ass, and we all know Lestat was a fucking pussy. So like, I guess Harry went away in another movie to drink peoples blood and sell out his vegan cult. I don't know, because I didn't see the other movies, because I like good shit like Halloween 3. So like, he went away to drink blood. But he did it all gay, cuz he was drinking dudes blood. Cuz he's secretly gay. And those dudes were murderers.

So basically he's a secretly gay vampire who wants to be Dexter, but he can't because he's a pussy and he glitters like a fucking bitch. But so far, these fuck asses are way less whiny and emo than the first movie (the only one i watched, under drunken circumstances). Rose petals don't rain down like, uhm........rain. So fuck your dream, Fartface. There weren't even any minorities at her dream wedding, unless you count vampires as a minority. Racist as fuck, if you ask me.

Photoshop is a beautiful thing. Thanks, Adobe.

Also, she apparently was getting married at the ripe old age of 18. Is it just me, or does this scream of down south pedophilia?

Sarah says she thinks the movie sucks, but it's beautiful so far. To me that's like saying "I love this movie". So far, Sarah is like....way into it. Did Coldplay write the score?

 Sarah: I think Scott has half a boner watching all of this marriage bullshit, and stuff. They're repeating vows to each other. Harry's eyes are all vampire-like, kind of like if he bought those cool contacts from the gas station that totally wont destroy your corneas with Chinese lead.

Christ, who wants to go to City Club right now? Lord knows I haven't felt the pleasurable sting that comes from a Magic the Gathering champion savagely ripping some electrical tape from my chaste nipples lately.

Someone offers Scrambled Egg Ab's father figure some sweet delicious firewater. Two guesses as to whether or not he accepts. Answer: Squanto ends up on one wheel in a shallow, watery, alcohol cushioned grave.

Does Harry's inexplicably Swedish family accept Fartface? Do they get a 9.13 basebreak? Is the passive aggression so thick that you could cut it with the shotgun I'd rather shoot myself in the temple with? Delicately rehearsed speeches seem to think so. Fartface's dad's moustache says...

Scott: Fartfaces' dad's mustache says "Shit, I'm fucking drunk as shit. I can't believe my fucking Fartface daughter is about to marry some goddamn peckerless eunuch of a goddamn vampire. What would Ted and Russ say down at the Ol' Brown Jug Tavern?" Granted, he didn't actually say that, but I could read it in his freedom-loving eyes.

Since there were now African Americans in this movie, I'd like to assume that the vampires were the equivalent to black folk. You could tell the dad wasn't pleased, and if you know white folk, most white fathers don't want their little fucking porcelain angels ravaged by amazing, huge black cocks, but rather little white fluffy doves, that hardly leave a blood stain on the white cotton sheets bought from Sears on the clearance rack. So we'll assume that the vampires are black boys. Because............WELL WELL WELL. I didn't think Fartface would be losing her hymen yet. But ol' Tyrone (Harry Connick Jr. vampire boy) done destroyed the bed in a fit of carnal lust. Of course, you didn't' get to see any tits, let alone penetration (bullshit...I wanna see dick in ASS).

So like, Fartface wakes up, with her twat ravaged to shit. Then she starts complaining about the sex, I guess. I don't know. By then we were like...really fucking drunk. But we were making fun of her about her whining about how his cock didnt rock her twat like the Scorpions would,. LIKE A FUCKING HURRICANE!!!!! So like, this bitch is all whining and smelling vampire farts (at least that's what her face was expressing), and fucking Harry Connick Jr. was all "I thought I treated your sexybits proper. I bruised you n shit." She's all "Naw naw. Hell naw. I like my shit tender. Like scrambled eggs (abs)". The look of concern washes over Harry Connick, as he knows that he would have to battle infidelity for ALL OF ETERNITY. Take a step back. Imagine if Jesus rocked your woman's vagular parts. You know he's got dick magic. How would you feel? Yeah! Like a bag of shitty dick!!! You know!!!

 I'm totally skipping shit. During the reception there was like fucking As I Lay Dying playing. Total Rachel Lane dance party, and Scrambled Eggs Abs totally crashed that party. WITH HIS SHIRT ON. That's like...before that trainwreck of a honeymoon, of course. Harry Connick shoulda brought some toys to please fucking whats her name...fucking Fartface.

THEN THERE WAS A CRY FIGHT ABOUT WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO CRY!!! LISTEN TO ALKALINE TRIO MUCH?!

Sarah: So Harry surprised Fartface with his beautiful Spanish accent to the beautiful Mexican taxi driver, as he told the taxi driver to pull over into a beautiful Mexican slum. They end up in a Sandals resort.

This is why I was never interested in going on spring break in Cancun, MTV style. Jessie Camp would have somehow found me, and I'd be less a kidney. You fucking know that he left plenty a helpless female in a bathtub full of ice, badly stitched up from a black market organ sale, only for the sake of his relentless Oxycontin habit. Poor Jessie. After his grandma died of rectal cancer, the morphine patches dried up, as did the pussy of screaming girls in Times Square. 

The beautiful honeymoon suite of the resort is panned out in front of us. A full moon, the ocean lapping at the white sands of wherever the fuck. Fartface is so perplexed! What the fuck does a Mormon wear to destroy her Georgia O'Keeffe to a blood-hungry haircut model? A distastefully stowed black lace negligee? Sure, he doesn't know whether to lick nipples or bite them off her tits. And nearly bite them off he does! I think. This shit is for 13 year old's, better not let them know how wonderful penetration can really be.

Holy shit, Fartface totally lost her hymens elasticity to some really unfortunate fucking. Like, really? Broken headboards? Whats romantic about that? This is not the introduction to sex that anyone needs. They destroyed a perfectly good canopy bed!

Scott: So it's obvious that Sarah was trailing off in drunken, popcorn buttered delight. I however, was still in tune. I was watching and paying semi-close attention to the character development, while pounding the Seagrams 7 hard as fuck. Anyway, I don't remember the characters names. That's why they're called "Fartface", "Harry Connick Jr", and fucking "Scrambled Eggs Abs". Fuck them. They suck. Just as bad (but worse considering there's a wolfboy now), than the first movie.

But yeah. Check this shit out. Sarah was all "hey bro, I need a smoke, can I have a smoke?" I was all "Sure, but your like....gonna miss some classic cinema." she was all "Fuck broheim, I need a smoke n shit. I caint done control myselves". So I says....I says to Mabel, or Sarah, "Okay, heres a smoke, smoke it real good. I'll take notes n shit" So like....Sarah went out to have a smoke. I pretended to be responsible, but in reality, I was just pounding the whiskey really fucking hard. Totally ignoring shit on the big screen.

She calls me from her telly and I answer. She's all like...mute. I can't hear her like a dick can't fuck Mars. So I hang up and I'm all like "I'm gonna watch the fuck out of this fucking movie." But I love her all crazy like, so I call her back to make sure she's not getting raped by some Scrambled Egg Ab'd fucking vampire mutant thing. She answers all like "Hey, I'm locked out of the theater. Let's go home." I'm all like..."Shit. This movie fucking rules." in my head, but I say to her "Okay, this movie fucking sucks cocks anyway."

So like, instead of getting up right away like a boyfriend who cares, I sit back and take a few more pulls off the whiskey. I think to myself "I'm gonna watch the rest of this fucking movie." but then like...fucking wolves are talking to each other. not in human or Wolf-Man form, but in like...really gay Disney wolf form. So I said "Fuck this shit." and I left the theater with a half of a boner in my trousers, and some whiskey in a cup.

Yeah, that movie sucked a heavy amount of dicks. But the moral of this goddamn review is...IF A MOVIE SUCKS, FUCK IT. GET DRUNK.

 

Happy goddamn birthday, asshole.

WE LOVE YOU...AND BY WATCHING PART OF THAT MOVIE...THAT'S FUCKING OBVIOUS!